TRANSFORMATIVE TRIP TO EUROPE
My parents, especially my father, had a passion for traveling. They were also deeply concerned about my well-being and the impact of the disease on my life. To lift my spirits, they would take me along on all their vacations. I would act as their guide and help my dad with finalizing details for all our trips
.Every trip was a mental rejuvenation and a learning experience.
Luckily I had a chance to accompany them on a month long Tour to Europe.
The frequent intake of medicines and injections often affected my mood, making me cranky and difficult at times, especially for my mother, who bore the brunt of my emotional outbursts. But she never gave up on me, her love and patience was a constant source of strength.
She was a fighter then and still is.
The trip to Europe, my first big adventure at such a young age, opened a new horizon of thoughts and feelings within me. It was the most fantastic trip of my life, exposing me to new cultures, breathtaking sights, and a world beyond my immediate struggles.
On returning, I felt a renewed sense of determination. I knew that I would really have to work hard on myself, both physically and mentally, to surpass the limitations of this disease and live a full, meaningful life.
A profound sense of gratitude washes over me as I recall those early years. My heart swells with deep affection that time cannot diminish for the incredible gift of my parents and siblings. Never a sigh, never a complaint escaped their lips, every time as they had to dutifully bring medications, ointments, herbal soap, herbal hair oil, various bitter medicines
I had to take, the endless doctor's visits, and the inevitable tantrums that my young self couldn't always control.
I then decided I would be strong. I would not be the cause of further hardship. I would shoulder this burden myself, learn to deal with its complexities, and face my challenges head on.
I would not let this disease control my life.
At this point I recollect, my parents appointing a maid to cater to all my needs. Apply ointments, lubricate my skin with coconut oil, gentle massage to subside itching. She too never complained and always was there for me. So much pampering and smothering made me very arrogant, selfish, mean and demanding.
“Everytimeyou give in, you are chipping away at your overall self control.” Yielding can weaken self discipline.
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FINAL EXAMS AND SHADOW OF DEPRESSION
On returning from Europe, I faced the daunting reality that my classmates had already transitioned to college. I was left behind, and my heart sank with a heavy sense of loss and isolation.
The academic path that seemed so effortless for others felt like a massive hurdle for me, an uphill battle against my own body and mind.
Every time the stress of final exams loomed, the disease would flare up, exacerbating my anxiety and making the task even more difficult. Something within me felt deadened, devoid of motivation and hope. Many a times I felt there was no reason for me to be alive
In reality my mind held a certain sharpness, an eagerness to learn and understand.
It wasn't a lack of intellectual capacity that held me back, but rather the ceaseless, insidious grip of my disease. The constant itching was a persistent tormentor, a distracting hum beneath the surface of every lesion, making it difficult to focus. It was as if I was dealing with a turmoil between my mental and physical. (Like a quiet battle waging inside mind and body)
Countless times, in the quiet solitude of my thoughts, I would turn my questions heavenward. Why me? What purpose could this constant struggle serve? The answers remained elusive, shrouded in the silence of the divine. But then, a subtle shift occurred in my understanding. A realization dawned that resonated deep within my soul.
If the universe bestowed every desire, every ease upon each individual, what then would be the purpose of prayer, of yearning, of striving? Perhaps, I reasoned, this was not a punishment, but a profound test. This challenge, this dogged adversity, was perhaps my Karma, a karmic thread woven into the fabric of my existence, an opportunity to learn, to grow, and ultimately, to transcend.
This understanding didn't erase the discomfort, but it imbued a sense of purpose, transforming my struggle into a path, however arduous, toward positive inner fortitude to thinking I was “Special”.
My aunts were supportive and encouraging. They too played a crucial role in pulling me out of this abyss. They convinced me that there was a beautiful world beyond the disease and slowly but steadily, my determination was revived. I passed the exams, with average grades and managed to get admitted into a mediocre college.
My percentage was barely enough to secure a place in a below-average institution.
This felt like another setback, another reminder of the obstacles I had to overcome to achieve, which for others to attain, was straightforward and easy.
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